A Front For A Storm Inside

Good Afternoon folks

I am writing this short blog to give an update on what is happening with my new medication which I started after my last blog. The medication worked a small % when I first began to take it.  Unfortunately it has now since stopped working AGAIN!!  This seems to be a regular occurrence for me.  Since I was diagnosed with CRPS* and neuropathic nerve pain, it’s not just the medication that’s not working I am suffering from side effects from the medication and they are horrible. The Fentanyl (morphine) patches make me shake, itch and leave me in a constant, horrible mood.  They make me think of all sorts (yes even the worse).  I think to myself… “What did I do so bad that I have got this, was I a scumbag in a previous life?”.  Anyway because of these horrible moods, I am taking things out on my loved ones mainly my partner, who is developing into my carer Jen. It’s very hard to see what I’m doing to my loved ones and I tell myself “it’s not you Jamie, it’s what is wrong with you”.  Before all this, I used to be quite an outgoing guy, full of laughs and wanting to get up to all stuff, practical jokes with mates etc, now I hardly see my mates.  This is not because they have abandoned me it’s actually vice versa, they still ask me to go out do things, but I just have no get up and go to do it.

Cuddles these days are an amazing comforting tool 🙂

I always thought that I would never let this beat me but, day by day, it’s beating me and its sad to see when I look at what I’m doing to people around me. It is so hard. I put on a front to people and I’m trying to ride the storm that’s going on inside me, this horrible hurricane of mixed emotions, the thunder storms or anger at loved ones.  My partner is Jen having to take most of the after shocks of it all and then has to pick up the pieces. There’s people in my life who think everything is fine because I’m laughing or making jokes but its not.

I write this not for self pity or to be felt sorry for, I do it to express my feelings to people who might then understand what it’s like to feel like this. Chronic pain don’t just effect the one persons who suffers it, no it effect on their partners, family…..and friends.

Thanks for reading and feedback is always good.



find me on twitter @maccasixty7


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