I’m Good Thanks

Hi Folks

Hope you are all well and fellow chronic pain sufferers are as well as to be expected. 

Mental illness cannot be fixed or at least cannot be helped until you say what is going on in your head.   Now many of you don’t know me but,  I was the guy who made everyone laugh was always upto harmless mischief.  I was the guy that got drunk until he was sober and got drunk again,  I was the guy that when anyone asked how I was I replied, “I’m good thanks” .  I was the guy that wasn’t telling the truth,  not because of a desire to be dishonest but because of a desire to protect and being completely truthful, I didn’t want anyone to think I was weak.  

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Now that I am in a wheelchair, spending a lot of my time at home, I find myself having too much time to think.   I think a lot about my Mum who, when I was 2 years old, died of a brain hemorrhage.   I think about all the good times I’ve had and experience guilt because she isn’t here to experience these times with me. 

I struggle with lots of different feelings like guilt or replaying images in my mind of different things I’ve experienced. For example, I’ve seen a mate killed right before my eyes,  I think of him, and how he died often, and I find it difficult to put into words the complex feelings I have surrounding it all.  My mind constantly goes back and forth between things that happened when I was growing up or my experiences in the army and I get overwhelmed.  All this baggage is making my life hell.  I sometimes despair at this and hate myself for the life I have given my wife,  a young woman who works her arse off and then has me to look after, and cook and clean for. On top of this she also has to listen to me moan about how hard life is with Chronic Pain. 

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I live each day with these complex feelings and find it difficult to identify the constant whirling emotions. I feel guilt, hopelessness, despair, fear, anguish,  I am depressed and last month I finally asked for professional help.  Asking for help was difficult and it has taken many years for me to do it. What was even more difficult to hear upon speaking out was them saying that if I didn’t get help, that would ultimately end up resulting in my death. Difficult because as I said, I am the guy that likes to say I am OK.    Medication isn’t the only answer ,  but things should move forward soon, things can only get better?

Now I know some of you might read this and think I am writing this for attention,  I’m not, it would be far easier for me to continue to just keep telling you all.. “I’m good thanks!”   I wrote this in the hope someone reads it and says if he can admit he needs help then I can too.   I recently met a guy a few months ago and we have become really good mates. Becoming friends with someone who has accessed mental health services and says it with no apologies made me realise that I too could do this. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of strength, opening up and trusting a professional stranger to help you at your most vulnerable is difficult and by sharing my story I hope that someone, somewhere grows strength from this and reaches out for the help they too need.

Cheers for reading and soon I hope to tell you all how successful my treatment has been. 

Jamie

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6 thoughts on “I’m Good Thanks

  1. I’m good at preaching but not so good at swallowing my own “medicine”
    Good luck my friend. You’re a far braver man than me……

  2. I have so been there. Hit the darkness about 12 years ago and spiraled around that hell hole, getting dragged deeper into the darkness for months before I realized I wasn’t going to make it if I didn’t get help. Sometimes, we all need help, in one way or another. It is asking for that help that is the hardest and I am glad you took that step. I sometimes find myself circling that pit of despair even now, few weeks out of the year I get close to the edge again (as I am sure you have seen but maybe not realized) But the help of a supportive family like mine and your Jen, is just as precious and important if not more so because sometimes they see the things you either can’t or wont. Pretty sure if McKay hadn’t pointed out how terribly ill I was at that time and helped me get the help I needed, I doubt I would still be here. That’s the thing, it is an illness and a recognized one, and there is no need to feel embarrassed or weak. There isn’t one person on this earth that hasn’t been there to some varying degree, never think for a minute you are alone. And never think I wouldn’t help you if I thought I could. Always here for a chin wag or rant. 😉
    Eht.

    • Eht, thank you very much for reading and taking time to comment. I’m glad to see that you are in a happier place for most of the time. I’m sure that soon I will be able to say my dark days will be seldom rather that often. Xx

  3. Thanks Jamie. It is a very brave thing to do posting this. As much as I have been slack with blogging lately, I wanted to show warts and all in hope that my feelings may help someone else. I also believe that showing any weakness must be ten times harder for a guy and even more so from guys that have served in the defence force so it’s a different kind of brave by posting what you have. As a woman I was the crazy one always in for a harmless prank ormgoing to extremes to get a laugh. I am almost at the 3 year mark of crps and I have spent the last month very dark indeed. I miss her. I have been seeing a psych for a few years and im really not sure where I would be without her. Thanks again for sharing and I hope today is a relatively good one for you. Sharon

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